The Singing Chef
It’s been nearly two years since our family lost Lennon. TWO YEARS.
As a young girl, I had aspirations. My first dream job was to be a singing chef; I hoped I could have a cooking show in which I sang out the ingredients and steps to a lively studio audience. It didn’t take long for that dream to be dashed--I am tone deaf after all. Next, I wanted to be a vetrinarian; only I’m allergic to most animals with fur (cats, dogs, bunnies…you name it). Lastly, I hoped to be a ballerina but then I realized I needed to be much more serious and I had found myself far behind where I needed to be at the ripe old age of 9. While I’m aware all these dreams were obviously lacking in any realistic thought, there was one dream that never left me, never wavered; I wanted to be a mom above all else.
As a young girl, picking out the perfect baby names and dreaming about cuddling sweet chubby babies I never, not once thought that becoming a mother would be such a turbulent journey. None of us do. Prior to losing Lennon, a family friend of mine lost her son. I heard her story and my heart broke for her. I told myself I could never do that, I couldn’t comprehend living through the horror of birthing a baby who would not or did not survive. Then, I had to face the terror head on. I did question if I could do it, if I could possibly live through a loss so great that it changed the definition of who I was. Like most mom’s I was aware I was needed by my other children and I never forgot that but the pain was so sharp that I was frightened that it was, in fact, insurmountable.
Yet, here I stand nearly two years later. Missing him dearly, wishing that things were different, knowing they never will be. I find strength in the other amazing mommas out there who live joy filled lives after loss, I see their resolve and know it’s possible. I find strength in knowing he lives on in me, his life changed me and his memory will never be tarnished as long as I’m breathing. I find strength knowing that the little girl who dreamt of being a mommy is still somewhere in me, hopeful and optimistic, unscathed by life and the ugly things we survived.
There is no end to what we are capable of, that’s one positive thing Lennon’s life has taught me.
If I can survive his loss, I am capable of so much more than I ever thought possible.
Maybe one day I will become a singing chef…who knows.
Author: Morgan McLaverty